Manboobs

Manboobs

© 2014 Silly Looking Little Man Music (ASCAP)
All Rights Reserved
Music by: Matt Armstrong
Lyrics by: Matt Armstrong

Recorded August 2014

About This Song

A few months ago, I was downloading some photos off of my camera from a recent trip I had made to go visit family. I was shocked at how fat I had gotten in the eight years since I had retired from my life as a professional performer. Apparently, sitting behind a computer all day long and stuffing your face until the point of puking will have a tendency to cause the pounds to pack on.

Between that, kidney stones, throwing out my back, constant knee pain, and the inability to climb a flight of stairs without gasping like I had just run a marathon, I decided to finally do something about it. seven weeks later, I’m exercising 4-5 times a week, and I’ve already lost 15 pounds. This song was both mourning of my failing physical state and an anthem meant to inspire me to finally move forward.

I wrote this song in a 1910 Burlesque / Stride Piano feel mixed with a little bit of musical theater. And even if I say so myself, it thoroughly tickled me.

Lyrics

It started just a couple years gone past
I’d climb a flight of stairs and start to gasp
I’d get aching back and feet
Start sweating while I eat
And standing on the scale each day could leave me quite aghast.

My jeans went up a size, then up one more
And as I buttoned them I strained and swore
I could no longer touch my toes
Or do the splits. And heaven knows
The chafing of my thighs could drive a man insane.

While the wheezing and the thighs were bad
What was so much worse
Was the feeling of my nipples
Rubbing rough against my shirt
It’s hard to have the confidence to be a dude
When you are a man with his own boobs.

So now I’m panting as I climb the stairs
And I’ve started getting leering glares
Hey buddy, let’s be clear
My eyes are right up here
I think perhaps the time has come
For me to buy a bra.

The bounce is now in more than just my step
And there’s more “swing” in my pirouettes
I guess it’s time to hit the gym
But even then, the prospect’s grim
Micky D’s is calling out my name.

The Burger King is making eyes
The Dairy Queen has got my size:
An extra-jumbo blizzard of regret
And Auntie Anne has got me dipped
That Wendy is a frosty witch
And Mrs. Fields can rot in taco hell.

Hey manboobs, it’s time to say
Farewell.